Trot out the babies


Trout Republic

Ol’ Dutch is here to tell you the news of the day: it appears the COVID-19 pandemic is causing disruption in every region of the U.S. and indeed the entire world.
We in the U.S., however, do our stock-up-buying a little different from other countries, as our citizens rushed to the stores to stock up on basics such as toilet paper. Ol’ Dutch found that to be funny as I would have thought food would be a person’s No. 1 need but it appears that addressing the “No. 2” is most thought about.
One item folks forgot to buy were condoms as now experts are predicting a baby boom to follow, With any weather event such as big snowstorms or hurricanes which trap people in their homes and force them to communicate with one another in more than one syllable mumbles, we usually get a little baby explosion about nine months later.
I question whether this quarantine phase will follow that pattern. Think about it, folks. Having all of this “together” time of husbands and wives being home is more of a strain than a renewal of marriage vows, loving embraces and honeymoon adventures. (Since Miss Trixie will read this, I can’t tell you how I know this to be true, but trust me, I know.)
Now getting back to the baby boom. It isn’t like this period of time is uniquely ripe for the man of the house suddenly to become amorous and interested in procreation. Newsflash: that is pretty much his intention every day that he opens his eyes. At a moment’s notice, he is ready to have a second honeymoon albeit maybe not with the intent of having a child but he believes that practice makes perfect in this instance.
His wife, on the other hand, wakes up with a head full of schedules including: cleaning up after said fearless leader and his progeny plus getting to work while putting on her war paint in the mirror of the mini-van without slamming into the other crazy drivers. Long gone are the carefree days of sports cars and a ponytail bobbing in the wind and flirtatious behavior as there just isn’t time for such nonsense with all those rug rats hanging all over her like baby possums popping out of the pouch.
So this COVID-19 outbreak has really got Ol’ Dutch stumped why all these so-called experts seem to think that being cooped up together will somehow make that worn-out exhausted woman suddenly feel the need for more of the same.
The internet is rife with pictures and cartoons about moms suddenly thrust into the home school mode with the kids now off from the local K-12 penitentiary (or schoolhouse as some call it.) Suddenly kids who were defended tooth and nail against “mean and horrific” teachers are found not to be angelic children.
Those experts predicting a baby boom haven’t factored this reality into the equation.
Sure, when couples are forced into cohabitation because of a big snow, they spend cozy evenings in front of a roaring fire and that leads to swapping spit with your significant other after too much wine or the third Hallmark Channel movie. But that romantic evening is only possible because the kids played out in the snow all day which meant the rascals fell asleep at 7 p.m. and the mom is getting some much needed downtime. You can understand how any woman would feel frisky in that situation.
But this deal going on now is quite the different event. No longer is some slick-haired weatherman giving hope of relief in the form of roads reopening and schools starting back up. Indeed, all that stares down today’s mother is another day of homeschool, cooking for children who seem to have a tapeworm and men hanging around the house yelling at the dog.
How this would ever translate into some worn-out mom wanting more children is beyond me.
Ol’ Dutch has his own thoughts on this stay at home period and I tend to believe that a definite rise in divorces is more likely to occur as people are denied their usual distancing from their spouse with the lack of golf, hunting, fishing, hair and nail salons, spas, restaurants, bridge clubs, church gatherings, work, Walmart runs, shopping, and trips to see her mother.
All I can say is I hope this finds you all well and safe in your lock down and hoping the parole board finds a way to release you sooner than later. Prayers for all in this time.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.

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