It's never what it appears to be


While it seems, the year has barely begun, here we are staring April full in the face. Ol’ Dutch is in Texas for another month or two and that means it's 70 degrees every day and sunshine is abundant. This brings on what is known as “happiness” in my life as I am just not a fan of cold weather.

Too many below zero days working outside for 32 years makes a man appreciate a warmer clime and not being downright brittle from the chill. I am just starting to thaw out from all those years working on the railroad and freezing my caboose off.

And it's about time, too, as I was growing tired of her always helping me with everything. You know that kind of person? Always wanting the very best for me, cooking delightful and delicious meals, doing my laundry, finding things I need, making calls for all my important dealings, cleaning the house, walking my dog, loving my kids, grandkids, parents and other misfit relatives and taking care of the world, generally. Yes, a real pain in the neck if not lower.

A man can only take so much of that kind of help and Miss Trixie dragging the elk and deer out of the forest, cutting and packaging said meat and putting that in the larder, fishing and cleaning fish, carrying picnics on our ATV rides and hikes is just annoying. You can imagine, right?

Ol’ Dutch can see why she stayed around so long as my handsome good looks, wealthy bankroll lifestyle and cute grandkids are sure draws to any woman seeking a home. Well, one out of three ain’t bad, I guess.

I have found that in the splitting of the sheets at least we had more than one set thanks to Miss Trixie’s thrifty shopping so Ol’ Dutch won’t be sleeping on the mattress cover as he had done several times before Trixie came around.

Now Ol’ Dutch can get back to the days of free and easy living, limited bathing, conversations with Cooper, and dating young and vivacious women off the Internet. At least with them I can look forward to their bratty kids running around, paying for all sorts of entertainment, hundreds of expensive meals out, wearing clean clothes, combing my hair, missing Elk season to make it to the new girlfriend’s son’s Bar Mitzvah, visiting her parents in Bangor, Maine, hours long conversations about her ex-husband, job and boss. You know, the good life.

I am not sure where Miss Trixie will land but knowing her it will be on her feet and somewhere good albeit not as great as with Ol’ Dutch. And NO, all you men out there and some women cannot have her number if you think you might get that same bad treatment and like it.

What sort of masochist are you anyway? I will not subject any of you to that kind of lifestyle as it may cause injuries to your brain from short circuiting. She comes with a warning label strategically placed on her forehead that says “Do not try this at home” so you best just move on as she is not for amateurs.

Having said all that, I hope you have a great April Fools’ Day today. As for me and Trixie. Well, a man would have to be more foolish than I to ever let her escape and I do love her so. And as for finding a more foolish man, please don't comment on that as I already know.

Nine years and hope we have many more April Fools’ Days together. Please don't tell her about this column or Ol’ Dutch will be in more hot water than usual.

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected]. Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.comor on Twitter at TroutRepublic.

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