Having to peed the figs


Trout Republic

My father, Fast Freddy, turned 89 years old in October and, as some of you know, he has been a pastor since he was about 19 years old. A long run for anyone in any job for sure.
He and another man named Charles from Dodge City, Kansas, attended the same bible college and got to be friends and many an adventure resulted from that affiliation as Charley was a hoot and a half.
My mother, who went to the same bible college, often told the story about Charles preaching about the prodigal son and got all mixed up and instead of saying the son had to “feed the pigs,” Charley said, “peed the figs.”
This resulted in a complete meltdown from my mother in church and the entire congregation but ole Charley never missed a beat. He was also famous for saying that God put the seven gifts of the Holy Spirit in his six shooter. Standing in the pulpit, Charley then would re-enact shooting a pistol, a certain fall back to his days in Dodge City and too many Western movies on television for sure.
Old Charley crossed my mind then other day when I saw pigs for sale on Craigslist. To those of you not familiar with it, Craigslist is an online page that lets people sell everything from soup to nuts and too much in between.
There is nothing you cannot buy including boats and boas, furniture and farm equipment, clothes and collectibles, beauty aids and bikes and baby items and even a place to barter for things. It’s best if you try and avoid bartering for the babies if all possible but that’s another column.
Ol’ Dutch is a peruser of such pages wherever he goes and I often find things that I “need” like farm supplies, equipment, lumber and livestock for my small spread the “Oleo Ranch.”
This past week found me looking online for a pig to fill the freezer with the winter supply for both me and Bubs, my son. While Ol’ Dutch has enough elk, bear, antelope and deer on hand to feed a small army, those granddaughters are about to eat me out of house and home.
While I complain, and sometimes quite loudly about that fact, it does give me an excuse to get out and hunt even more which is exactly what I want to do.
A nice fat hog is always appreciated by Miss Trixie and the rest of the family and several prospects were found but fell through at the last minute which made me go “hog wild.” Well, not really but it’s fun to say that phrase.
The one thing I did find a lot of was pet pigs. Now I knew that people had such things and in fact, one lady I know had them in her house and kitchen which is more than even this old mountain man can take.
They are cute when they are little just like most animals but soon grow into, well...pigs. Of course the granddaughters want one to add to their collection of cats, dogs and chickens, but they have more than enough to take care of already.
The thing about getting a pet pig is they are just like a husband; sounded good at the time but soon they are soiling your kitchen and bathroom, using the guest towels and eating all the foods you made for the office party.
And the funniest thing about that is even if you get rid of your pig it appears that women run right out and get another one as if they can change the spots on a Yorkshire hog.
Ol’ Dutch knows that some people find both pigs and men fun and attractive but mostly what I notice is that they are for sale or trade once they grow past the “cute” stage.  The pigs are not the eating kind of pig so that makes getting someone to take them off your hands even more difficult.
That’s kind of the same with a piggish husband so if you can pawn him off on some unsuspecting woman wanting a pet around the house, best to do so ASAP before she catches on that he too has spots. And certainly before you become so frustrated you try and “peed the fig.”

Kevin Kirkpatrick and his Yorkie, Cooper, fish, hunt, ATV or hike daily. His email is [email protected] Additional news can be found at www.troutrepublic.com or on Twitter at TroutRepublic.

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